Is it odd to have close friends in Second Life? People who you’ve never met in the first life, but who mean the world to you? People who you’d help in any way you could?
I’ve seen the notion that “internet friends aren’t real” bandied around before, yet it feel incredibly real. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is because any friend has to fulfil two criteria:
- Someone whom you have entrusted with a secret.
- Someone who has accepted a favour from you.
My definition here is based around the concept of giving, rather than recieving. If you’re someone who picks out their friends by what they have to offer to you, then you probably don’t have many friends at all.
To tell somebody a secret about yourself entrusts them with an intimate detail of your life. You become more vunerable, and the person you told becomes a protector – and thus a bond is formed.
Secondly, we accept favours from strangers fairly often. But we don’t entrust these strangers with our secrets, so it’s a combination of the two which allows a friendship to bond. The other person will usually reciprocate, as is human nature to. The strength of the friendship is reliant on how willing the other person is to reciprocate.
Obviously this is simplistic and there’s more to it than that – similar interests and complimenting personalities are always important too. But these aren’t traits which you can control – the two I stated are.
Second Life offers us the opportunity to talk to many people, and interact directly with the personality. We are all accessible and easily reached when in world, and we’re all capable of making good friends here, exactly the same way as in the first life.
Strong friendship isn’t reliant on face-to-face human contact. It can be as simple as a secret and a favour, which is just as possible in a virtual world as it is in the real one.
Dem on January 29, 2009
I totally agree that friendship isn’t dependent on face to face contact. I have great friends in-world who I will never meet, but who mean so much to me. Your criteria make sense, and honestly, most won’t share a secret with another person without finding some common interest with that person first.
Banana on January 30, 2009
Here here!
I have many strong friendships in sl – ones I plan to keep forever. We share secrets, laughs, Landmarks to sales and we socialise together. Alot of them keep in contact through other means like MSN and Skype.
Then there are the friendships that lead in to RL in-person relationships. This happens alot more often these days, and with each relationship, it gets less ‘odd’.
On a side note: I really wish the Friends list could be sorted in to folders of some sort. You know how it is, there are people on their for all sorts of reasons… FriendFriend, FriendCauseIHelpedYouOnce, FriendCauseIWorkWithYou, FriendNoMoreButIWantToSeeWhenYoureOnline, and FriendNoLongerIfYouDontChatToMeIn2009.
Landsend Korobase on January 30, 2009
The only notable difference between RL and SL / “virtual” friends, is the missing senses: Touch, taste, smell. I have to assume that those missing senses are what is bothering people who say the sort of things that you’re responding to.
I haven’t tasted (most of) my RL friends, so that isn’t a key. I have smelt a fair few of them (and often wished I hadn’t), I don’t think anyone is going to argue that’s vital. But touch is a bit harder to dismiss – the handshake, the hug. But straight away the problem is clear – lots of RL friends don’t *like* being touched for whatever reason: Personal space issues, or they get the nervous sweats whenever I’m in metres of them cause I’m so breath-taking
The point is that touch isn’t the key either. I’d add that just because you can no longer touch a RL friend – they’ve left the country or they’re sick or whatever – in no way whatsoever means they stop being your friend, does it?
In fact hearing and sight aren’t required for friendship either when we get down to it – or would such people as you’re responding to claim that deaf or blind people have no friends..? I’d like to see them try that one on.
So, when you get down to it, the only things missing in SL friendships are some senses. And – after a bit of thought – it becomes clearer that the fact that they are missing doesn’t stop it being a real and meaningful friendship
(Yeah I could have more simply just agreed with you Prad, but I’ve been meaning to comment on the relevance of the 5 senses to SL for a while and this was the perfect opportunity :p)
(Plus, I like rambling)
(See)
Bailey Longcloth on January 30, 2009
Prad I agree with you completely but I’d add two more criteria.
A true friend in SL or RL will continue to be your friend no matter what you or they have done(barring some illegal activities of course *wink*).
The other criteria is they’ll tell you straight out when you’re being an arse, and it’s ok.
<3
Kirasha on January 30, 2009
I think that’s going to stick with me, “a secret and a favor”.
A very dear friend of mine once said the best friendships are those where you can pick up at the exact place you left off without a pause in your stride, no matter how much time and space has been put between you. She was referring to going away to join the air force and the feeling of coming home when she came to visit. But, I’ve often thought it applies just as well to friendships formed over the internet or in virtual worlds. I’m not any less her friend while she’s stationed overseas. So, why would I be less of a friend to others I meet who live in faraway places? The connections made through conversation don’t go away just because the computer’s off any more than they do once the phone is hung up or the letter posted in the mail.
Ladies in the eighteen hundreds used to maintain friendships solely through letters for most of their adult lives as they married and were separated by life and war. If it worked for them, in a time where it could take anywhere from days to months for post to be delivered, why shouldn’t it work in a modern era of more instantaneous communication forms?
Moggs Oceanlane on January 30, 2009
I agree. I’ve made a number of fantastic friends on a small web community that I’ve participated in for some time and, of course, I’ve made a number of friends through being a resident of Second Life.
riendship is not determined by the length of the association, nor by the way in which you met but by the depth of feeling, trust, support and good will and the way you click with someone… many pen pals from pre-Internet days consider themselves friends and they’d never met.
My real life friends are scattered around the globe and some times our communications are erratic… but still sincere. Friendship isn’t about geography, it’s about a whole lot of intangibles mixed together – and often it defies logic. I’m not sure there is a formula but if I call someone a friend – regardless of whether I’ve met them in person or not… they JUST ARE.
Terry T on January 30, 2009
I feel that these criteria are not only rooted in giving, but in trust, and that’s one that can make or break for me. There have been a few people I thought were close friends and I would have liked to last, but trust was broken- secrets weren’t kept and important favors were not followed through, so to speak.
Looking at the world today, secrets can also be told to complete strangers – presumably because we’re either a.) anonymous when telling them or b.) you don’t think you’re ever going to hear from said stranger(s) again – and favors may be requested of just about anyone if you’re bold and savvy enough. However, there isn’t necessarily trust in the other party with either of these cases.
Trust, in of itself, is an intricate subject. The simplest definition I have for myself is having faith in another, particularly in the realm of honesty. I believe that my close friends will be there for me in what ways they can, even if they’re miles away; I have faith that what they tell and provide me is the real story. In return, I am dedicated to providing them the same.
Milla Michinaga on January 30, 2009
Nice post, Prad.
I’ve also made precious friends in SL and I plan/hope on making many more. What can on occasion hold me back though, is the lack of body language. In RL I rely heavily on it, together with tone of voice, to suss out a person and their intentions. I can sometimes feel like I’m fumbling in the dark when meeting new virtual friends and it takes me a while to trust.
Having said that though, there have been a few encounters where the new virtual friend has had such a wonderful and distinct personality that I’ve immediately taken to them. I hope to meet more like that!
Ryker Beck on January 30, 2009
I could actually name a handful of people in SL whom I love more than I love any of my real life friends… o.O
If that’s weird to anybody, then by all means, chain me to a wall. >.<
Kitty O'Toole on January 30, 2009
The majority of my friends (full stop) are to be found in SL . I don’t have any real life close friends really anymore, not since I lost Dee, so SL has meant that I haven’t become completely isolated. In fact, Amanda ( Shinji) is truly my closest friend. I’ve never met her in RL or spoken to her on the phone, but I don’t think that makes our friendship any less valid. . I’m the kind of person who thrives on having a huge circle of chums, like the ‘Crown and Pearlites’, who I absolutely adore, so I actually feel like SL has been a blessing for me as far as my social life is concerned.
I agree with Ryker, if you don’t like it, well you can chain me to the wall too. Just as long as I’m next to her so we can have a good ‘ol chat:)
=^..^=
London Spengler on January 30, 2009
Yesterday I was angry at a friend because she said SL friends weren’t totally “real”; she talked about poofing away, about people lying, and so on. It is strangely fun how this post comed just after that.
I will join, and treasure “a secret and a favor”.
Clare Loring on January 30, 2009
I think my best friend is actually my RL husband. I remember when it came to picking people to do ‘jobs’ at our wedding and we found it so hard to pick people to do things because we are best friends. A best man and bridesmaids were really hard to pick and we considered not having any!
However I think I have people on SL who I would actually do as much for if they needed help as in RL. I think distance is an important factor, I live in another country from some of my best friends. I think the key is making the effort to check they are ok… and I think SL makes that easier to do, because you actually see someone in front of you, even if it is pixels.